In Spite of Me Anyway

Wow, it sure has been a loooong time since I have written on here and so much life has happened in the meantime! But as summer quickly approaches (woohoo! praise Jesus!), I know I'll have more time on my hands so I suddenly felt prompted this morning to start writing again. Hopefully much more regularly, but we'll see. :-) I have missed it!

You ever have those "Aha!" moments in the Word of God, those ever-so-sweet times of revelation from Him, where you literally want to fall out of our chair? Technically I've been sitting on the couch, but you get my point, haha. Anyway, this morning was one of those times. I picked up my Bible to continue my daily reading in Genesis 35 and barely made it past the first couple of verses. After just having read chapter 34 (go and check it out for yourself), I was astounded! I felt like God sucker-punched me in the gut and took my breath away (not in a violent way, but in a "holy cow!" sort of way, if that makes sense). The words just began popping off the page and I could feel Him reminding me of such beautiful, needed truth.

What He was practically speaking through a megaphone into my heart was, "Annie, my love and grace for you are SO relentless, and it's all in spite of you."

Wow, what comfort. I need this reminder daily!

Here's what hit me so hard: It is amazing to me that literally RIGHT after Jacob's major failure as a dad and the leader of his family, right after he has allowed his daughter Dinah to be raped and his sons Simeon and Levi to kill all of the men in the city, right after this DISASTER, the Lord calls out to Jacob to return to Bethel, the place where He appeared to him beforehand. And not only this, but God instructs Jacob to build an altar there, basically inviting him into worship and communion with Himself. Wait, are we talking about the same Jacob here???? The Jacob of chapter 34? The one that made massive mistake after massive mistake?! Yes! And the story gets even better...

On top of all that craziness, this is the very moment God chooses to rename Jacob as "Israel", the name He set apart from that point forward for His very own, beloved, chosen people- blessed above any other nation for all of eternity.
Did anyone just say "huh" and scratch your head like I did in utter confusion and disbelief? Seriously, when I stop to think about this, this is CRAZY, this is world-changing. I think that it absolutely should make us stop dead in our tracks, because no other god is like our God.

This is why I was left in such astonishment this morning as the beauty, depth, power and consequences of this passage hit me square in the heart. It is so beautiful to see that even at Jacob's very worst, right after he has screwed up big time, it is then that the Lord- holy, blameless, righteous and perfect- calls out to Jacob and gives him probably one of the most sacred names, besides the name of Jesus, in all of the Word. Say whaaaaa?? Is anyone feeling me here? :-) Boy is His love for us furious. It cannot be contained, neither by the power of hell nor by anything that we could ever do.

{No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything in all of creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.} Romans 8:37-39

That includes ourselves and our own shortcomings. Oh I am so thankful! He amazes me beyond words in that He willingly chooses, each and every day, to step into my mess, like he stepped into Jacob's, and calls me to do one of the most intimate things, to enter into worship and fellowship with Him. He pursues me AND gives me a new name- the most sacred and special of names that I could receive- His daughter, beloved of the Most High. And the exact same goes for you! :)

It's also so cool to see how Jacob gets this, how he lets this love of our God penetrate deep down and it therefore revolutionizes his life. For when his son Ben-Oni is born halfway into the chapter, his name meaning "son of my trouble", Jacob renames him Benjamin, meaning "son of my right hand". What is so amazing about this is that this is exactly what Jesus does with us. Mmmm... so sweet this love, so sweet this Savior. We are born as sons and daughters of trouble- far from Him and stuck in our messes of sin- yet it is then, at that very unfitting moment that He calls us the sons and daughters of His right hand. 

It gives Psalm 73:23 an entirely new meaning:

{Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.}

Praying that we can begin to soak up this truth... let it penetrate deep in our bones, and live it out! 

He's here

You know those moments when you simply long to hear God's voice whisper into your ear? To feel Him so tangibly that you know He's right next to you, walking beside you and living in your heart each moment? That's what I've been desiring more than ever lately.

The other day I felt Him put a question on my mind...

"Sweet daughter, who or what makes you come alive?" He asked.

And then He told me, "Annie, it's me :) I make you come alive. I make you who you are." I wrote it down as soon as He pressed it on my heart and I haven't been able to stop smiling about it since.

It lit me up because, in that moment, it was as if I could sense the huge smile behind His voice and the love in His tone. He is such a personal God, desiring more than anything to meet with His children so that we might experience Him for who He truly is and be forever changed. And He makes us exactly who we are, who we're supposed to be. 

He's the one who has captured my heart and soul. Just spending time with Him revives me from my lifeless, dull, wretched state without Him. He literally gives me life. He's my joy and my sustainment. No matter my insecurities or the expectations I sometimes feel to be someone that I'm not, He is the one who has made me who I am and is shaping and molding me constantly. He's here :) 

lethal weapons

Today my time in the Word was incredibly encouraging. I was reading from 2 Chronicles 20. Here's some background of the story...

The Moabites, Ammonites and Meunites are coming against Jehoshaphat and his people for a battle. Jehoshaphat cries out to the Lord because he knows that they are basically about to face defeat, doomed to be utterly crushed by the opposing armies. "...For we are powerless against this great horde that is coming against us..." (part of verse 12). Yet, Jehoshaphat continues, "We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you".

The spirit of the Lord then comes upon them and says (vs. 17), "Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed at this great horde, for the battle is not yours but God's... You will not need to fight in this battle. Stand firm, hold your position and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed (emphasizing it for a second time). Tomorrow go out against them, and the Lord will be with you. Then Jehoshaphat bowed his head with his face to the ground, and all Judah and the inhabitants of Jerusalem fell down before the Lord, worshiping the Lord. And the Levites, of the Koharthites and the Korahites, stood up to praise the Lord, the God of Israel, with a very loud voice" (this ends verse 19). The next morning, as they headed out before the army, "they began to sing and praise" (vs. 21). Sing and worship! How crazy is that! They know they're about to go into a war in which they and all their families will almost certainly be slaughtered, facing weapons, large masses of enemies, bloodshed, and more. Yet they're simply praising! Praising in battle! I wonder what an experience that must've been! Their front line soldiers as worship leaders :) Meanwhile, as Jehoshaphat and his people are lifting up songs to the Father, the Lord begins to set an ambush against the opposing men and "none had escaped" (vs. 24).

THEY WON! Yet to think that their only weapons were praise and thankfulness!?! I love this! It's the most timely, sweet, humbling reminder from the Lord. He gently whispers to me that I need not one thing for the battles I face in this life except worship for Him and a heart brimming with thankfulness. He will do the rest. He has already won! I may not know what to do, just like Jehoshaphat, but I must simply keep my eyes steadily fixed on Him. There's no need to even fight, when my King, the Alpha and the Omega, has already given me the weapon of bowing low before Him and worshipping Him to unleash at any moment :) Thank you, Jesus for these most lethal, yet precious weapons :)

come to the well

Hello again :) I feel like every time I've been prompted or desiring to write a blog lately, I can't formulate the words quite the right way so that they don't seem depressing... so I just haven't, for the most part. And I apologize in advance if this is what this blog seems like :) It's not that life has been depressing lately- because with Jesus, our hope is always unchanging. In fact, I've felt God's joy more tangibly in my heart in the midst of mourning over these past few weeks than ever before, probably contrary to what the world would call real joy. Every which way I turn, my eyes are just opened more and more to the hurt and pain that this world of sin brings. So when this happens, the Lord fixes my heart and perspective on Him.

It seems like there are SO many sobering examples around me right now of how fleeting this life is and how Jesus is the ONLY thing that matters. These are just glimpses of the stories of what a few beloved children of our King have been going through:

It was not even a month ago that my dear sister Jocelyn committed suicide and left behind her precious mom, dad and little sister, trying to pick up the shattered pieces and cling to the Lord in the midst of overwhelming pain and many doubts.

Shawna, an amazing woman and friend of my family in Oregon is battling for her life every day against stage 4 colon cancer on behalf of her three beautiful children and loving husband, when there seems to be little hope left and tumors have spread over her entire body.

Brian, a long-standing coworker of my mom and a gentle husband and father to a young daughter, has begun the fight against bone marrow cancer. He's already in the hospital so that he can have a transplant immediately.

Every day I watch my coworkers struggle trying to fill the void in their lives that the Lord created (for Himself) with partying, drinking, drugs, sex, you name it. This week one of my coworkers came back to work so drunk that she was unrecognizable, like a vulnerable little puppy, and went wandering around to go home and sleep with the older man who paid for all of her drinks.

My brother's favorite teacher, who he's had the past two years in high school, unexpectedly died this Wednesday night. She leaves behind her husband, three grown children and spouses, parents and grandparents. She was one of the most loved, fun, inspiring teachers I've ever met and the proof lies in the fact that my brothers and his friends hung out in her classroom almost every spare moment. Last night I watched my amazing little brother, normally so strong and somewhat void of emotion, break into unrelenting tears. It KILLED me and I could not hold it together seeing him like that.

Doctors just found an unknown type of brain tumor on my mom's pituitary gland, which they believe must be surgically removed within the next month or two.

One of my amazing friends/sisters is watching her family and parents being torn apart right now, and yet she has no control or ability to heal what only God can heal.

And the stories just keep on going. I can't help but feel a heaviness in my heart, yet place the weight all at the Savior's feet.

On my way home from work Monday night, right after my drunk coworker was fired, I let the tears slowly roll down my face as I was thinking about the broken, hopeless, purposeless condition of so many on this earth. The fact that people all throughout the world and in my life live without my Jesus EVERY single day. I don't know how I could survive a day, let alone a minute without Him. They don't know Him, yet He loves them more than can be fathomed. My ipod was on shuffle in my car that afternoon and a song called The Well by Casting Crowns came on (that I actually had never listened to before), the lyrics talking about leaving all else behind to come to the well just as we are, where Jesus awaits. We're all broken, hurt, thirsty, hungry people and Jesus is the one person who can fill us, quench our burning desire for something more. Who can refresh us with His life-giving water, His living presence. Oh how I want to come to the well each moment. He's done all the work and has all we need, no matter how long we keep searching elsewhere. And even thinking on the stories listed above, I come to Him, to the well, praying on my knees and face, crying out for these people. For them to meet with Jesus at the well, where the Lords waits eagerly, ready to supply and fill them to the brim with whatever they may need. Whether that be comfort, healing, salvation, rest, a loving touch, peace, joy or all of these combined.

These worship songs listed below (including The Well) have been so life-giving to my soul lately. So I thought I'd include them here. I listened to You Revive Me and Sing Along over and over again after we got the call about Jocelyn. The words couldn't ring more true of our King. He is the one to revive us when we come to the well.

"My soul alone is thirsty, only You can satisfy. You are the well that never will run dry. And I'll praise You for the blessing, for calling me Your friend. In Your name I'm lifting, I'm lifting up my hands. You breathe on me, You revive me Lord. All my deserts are rivers of joy. You are the treasure I could not afford. So I'll spend myself until I'm empty and poor. All for You. You revive me, Lord."


You Revive Me by Christy Nockles
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kdnuKnRjQE

Sing Along by Christy Nockles
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXOAA0dNjPk

The Well by Casting Crowns
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FA8UNaGKRhY

His goodness

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose". Romans 8:26-28

Through many recent events, the Lord has been showing me more about His goodness than ever before. This goodness that I talk about is not altered based on any circumstance, or even evil for that matter. It is unchanging. Unending. True. Trustworthy. And good, even in the darkest of hours. It sounds like a no-brainer that God's goodness is good, but when I stop to think about it, I'm still amazed. He is good, not only for His own purposes, but also to His children. No matter what we may go through on this earth, God's love remains steadfast. He will never fail us or leave us.

I cling to this truth during very difficult news. Exactly two weeks ago today, a beautiful, vibrant, loving, precious sister tried to take her own life. Her name is Jocelyn- the very name that God gave her before He formed her in her mom's womb 17 years ago. After two days in the hospital, Jocelyn finally got to run into the loving arms of Jesus and I know that He's holding her now.

"Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you." Psalm 73:23-25

(Our last morning with Jocelyn. We played and sang worship songs together.)

(Beautiful Joc <3)

(My favorite picture of Jocelyn as just a baby with her momma Jaletta, yet the hardest one to look at without fighting back the tears)

(Garrett, Jocelyn, my mom and me)

Hearing this news has shaken my world, as well as my family's, but most of all, Jocelyn's family. My heart is overwhelmed, completely broken. These few weeks have seemed to have passed by in a fog. I lack the ability to understand this situation or to bear the weight of the pain and loss, especially that Joc's family is feeling. My heart and my soul ache... that she was in that much pain, that I wasn't there and didn't do more, that she's gone, that her family is forever incomplete on this earth... and so many other things. Yet I am again reminded of the Lord's nearness and goodness. His touch and His presence can't be mistaken. His love is so tender and abounding- He's knows every single need of His children, every hurt and joy. His faithfulness is unending. His sovereignty stands firm. His strength is made perfect in weakness. He is Love.

He understands all and He has a plan even through this. After all, Jocelyn belonged to Him, as her own Heavenly Father, her Daddy, her Creator, her Savior. I can't imagine how much God's heart must've been breaking and weeping as He saw His beautiful daughter in so much pain and giving up hope. Yet He knows best of all how it felt to give up His own beloved son, Jesus Christ, so that we might have life. 

It's amazing to already see God's handiwork in the midst of devastation that I cannot comprehend. Jocelyn saved three lives with her organs. And more than just physical lives, spiritual lives are being changed and saved- the most important of all. Thousands of kids who knew Jocelyn heard God's message of love at her memorial and many people are coming to know Jesus as their Savior through this. He is drawing to Himself even close family members of Jocelyn's. From all the way across the country from where she lived, 50+ jr highers gathered in prayer for her this past week at our church and were broken and touched, reminded of the reality of eternity and our need for the One Love that satisfies. My heart is more passionate than ever and filled with joy to love Jesus with every bit of my being and to love people. What a GOOD God. Thank you, Lord. And thank you for forever holding Jocelyn in your arms of love. I can't wait to see her again when I finally get to meet you face to face. Yet I know that the pain of her absence will never cease, and I must trust You to carry her precious family every step of the way. They need You more than ever before, sweet Jesus. So desperately, so earnestly, every moment. Please please uphold them and wrap Your loving arms around them. Give them each next breath and the strength when they feel as if they're crumbling. Overwhelm them with Your comfort in the deepest corners of their hearts. Please shower them with You, with Your nearness, Your touch, Your love. Oh precious Lord, I lack the words of what to say or pray or cry out. But You know, you intercede on their behalf. Thank you Father.

"Christ Jesus is the one who died- more than that, who was raised- who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?... For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord". Romans 8:34-35b and 38-39

if only I were a coffee drinker...

Well, it's after 2:30 am in the morning and considering my full day tomorrow, I definitely shouldn't be writing a blog post right now, but I need a tiny break from my study session :) So I thought, well I may as well write! I still have SO much to study before tomorrow (a bio exam, along with chemistry and spanish quizzes await me), but I'm still just trying to focus on the fact that the Lord's strength will not fail me and mentally pump myself up to keep on going, haha. It's times like these that I wish I was a coffee drinker... the only problems are 1) that I don't like the taste of coffee (kind of essential) without atleast three-fourths of it being creamer and 2) the few times that I've actually sucked down a cup or two, the caffeine seems to have no affect on my body. Double bummer. So instead, I'm drinking Chai tea and listening to Leona Lewis and Coldplay- trying to keep myself awake and my brain active enough to retain any sort of information that I can. Lord help me! I feel like I'm sort of falling apart at the seams physically and mentally- definitely an exhausted mess. I still haven't unpacked from our Oregon family/Pure Rebellion trip two and half weeks ago, I have yet to get any laundry done, more than a couple hours of sleep each night or any motivation to look remotely presentable. But I'm so thankful for the sweet times of reliance on the Lord that even these somewhat silly, yet difficult moments of physical weakness can produce. Thank you, Lord, that even when I feel like I'm falling apart, you hold every atom of my body together and you preserve my entire being. I'm so thankful and humbled by Your faithfulness!

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock." Isaiah 26:3-4


"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26


"'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.. for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9 and 10b

home sweet home

I am a true Colorado girl at heart. I couldn't be more blessed than to have lived here for 16 years. I may be a California girl by birth, but this is my home sweet home :) Well, my earthly home at least :) Now, don't get me wrong, I love California too. Especially because of the ocean! But I can't imagine living anywhere else, unless God called me away from here. No matter where I go, I always know I'm "home" when I see those huge Colorado mountains in the horizon and the clearest of blue skies. And that's how I picture feeling when I someday reach my true heavenly home with Jesus, getting to run into His loving, everlasting arms. That is my real home, the place that my soul longs to be :)

But while God still has me here, I'm blessed beyond belief to rejoice in each beautiful day that He gives me. It's been cold and snowy all weekend long, which I absolutely LOVE! There's something so comforting and home-like about getting to wake up to a winter wonderland- all of the trees and mountains glistening with what looks like crystal, fluffy, powdered sugar. It's one of my favorite things :) I always get the same feeling of excitement and awe when I see a beautiful, white canvas of snow, like a little girl waiting for Christmas morning to approach. It's as if I get to watch the Lord paint the sky and earth with all of His magnificence and creativity. Every wet snow flake that brushes against my cold face is a drop of His paint :) I think it's one of the most breathtaking sights and experiences! So I just loved it today! I couldn't stop peering through the foggy windows to the white-washed outdoors and thinking about how great the Lord is. Isn't it funny how something so simple, like God's gift of snow, can make us step back in awe of Him and still ourselves?